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bits and pieces...
Listen to some audio clips from my stand-up show...
 |
Show #1 |
I write my own material, so here are some of my favorites. Enjoy!
| I adore these new Vagisil commercials. I see myself window-shopping
and all of a sudden this fairy godmother voice says When you don not
feel fresh, you really feel like a homeless meth addict. I had no idea
that when I did not feel fresh I turned into my own personal episode of
"Breaking Bad". I have been having trouble sleeping, so my doctor prescribed Lunesta. What he did not tell me that there would be a few side effects such as.....dizziness, vomiting, diarrhea, sleep eating, sleep walking, increased aggression, depression, weight gain and suicide. So let me get this straight, I will be a dizzy, vomiting sleep walking overly aggressive suicidal depressive... but at least I will get a a solid 8 hours of sleep. There were two girls complaining about the ride Splash Mountain. One of the girls said; If I get wet on this ride I will be REALLY pissed! Now, I am no rocket scientist, but I turned around and said, If that is how you feel, maybe you should avoid rides that have the words splash in the title". Have you ever noticed that some girls end all of their sentences like they are asking question? I would never want that girl to be my doctor! You are pregnant? Or my attorney defending me in court, Your Honor, I object? God forbid a girl like that decides to run for president, My fellow Republicans? |
One liners about weight and life:
| When I feel like working out, I just
lay down and wait for the feeling to pass... Every time I use my shake weight, I have this overwhelming feeling that someone owes me dinner, drinks, or at very least a text message saying they had a good time. I am allergic to carbs- every time I eat them I break out in fat! I am mad at Smooth Move tea because it really should be called eviction notice - there is nothing smooth about it. I could never be bulimic because I do not believe in buyers remorse. Hey guy in acid wash jeans, "Pretty in Pink" called and they want their look back. Are you concerned about these new TSA regulations? I am
not. I have not been on a good date in six months - PAT ME DOWN!!!! |
(c) 2011, Stacy Citron.
